I've never really slept when we go somewhere. I would be awake in the middle of the night when we stayed at a hotel. I'd wake up long before Mark and sit in the dark while I waited for him to wake up. When we'd go to my sister's to spend the night, I'd always 'sleep' on the couch. I knew I would be awake most of the night so there was no need to disturb Mark. If I was in the living room, I could watch tv or read a book to pass the time.
It became an every night issue when I was in what the doctor called 'pre-menopausal. Isn't it delightful that not only do we go through menopause, but there are 2 more parts to it - pre and post. Really?! Is all that necessary? For years I said that because I'd had a hysterectomy, I had nothing to pause, so I was not going through any of that. Mind over matter was not successful on that count!
I would wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to get back to sleep. I would either lay for hours or just get up and do something. Then in the middle of the day I would hit the wall because I was so tired.
This routine was worse than annoying. It seemed the only relief was commiserating with others going through the same thing. It was assumed that this problem was a part of being ' a woman of that age'. Don't ya just love that phrase! The only relief I got was to take a Tylenol PM. If it had been several nights since I'd slept well, I'd take two. A night of deep, restful, dreamless sleep was fabulous!
Then the whole breast cancer adventure began and other difficulties became the focus. After the tests, surgery and radiation came the exhaustion of chemo. Chemo affects people differently, and naturally with me it became sleep depravation. You can go without sleep for only a short time and it becomes debilitating! The first sleeping pill they gave me might as well have been a sugar pill. It brought no relief. Then they gave me Ambien CR. Amazing! I would take one pill, I'd be asleep in fifteen minutes, I would sleep well and wake rested in 8 hours. I got my life back.
I stayed on the Ambien while I was doing the treatments. It was the only way I got any sleep at all. Once the treatments were done, the prescription was not renewed. And for whatever reason, I wasn't having a major problem with sleep.
Then came the 'big one', as it is referred to here in Reno. The earthquake. In April 2008, after lots of small quakes, we had a 4.7 one. For those of you in California, that doesn't sound huge. But the faults in Nevada are not nearly as deep as those in California, so the movement here ismuch greater. For this midwesterner, that much power meant massive destruction. Mark and I were still up and we heard it coming. Earthquakes are like tornadoes, there is a rumbling before they arrive. And we could see the walls moving and feel the house shaking. There is no way to describe the screaming that happened. It was a horrific night. But there was hundreds of after shocks for weeks on end. Day and night. I would lie in bed and not be able to go to sleep because I was so afraid of another quake. And I was jumping at every little sound. Was it another one coming? I was a walking nervous wreck.
I convinced my doctor to give me another script for Ambien CR. Sleep, it was a welcome friend that returned to my life. And my life was manageable because of it. I was less of a crazy person, for which Mark was grateful!
And then reality slapped me in the face. After taking Ambien for several months, when I asked for a refill, my doctor asked me how often I was taking it. I told her every night because it was the only way I got any rest. Her response was "You are addicted." My response was "I DON'T CARE !" She politely informed me that I had to get off of it because if I ever needed surgery again they would never be able to put me under. I left with no refill and panic stricken! I was never going to sleep again! UGH!
I was afraid to go to bed that night, paranoid that I would lay in bed awake all night. I'd done that and knew how horrible that was. So I took a Tylenol PM. Just one. In spite of being anxious about the whole process, I did go to sleep and slept pretty well. I did that for several nights until it became difficult to wake up in the morning. I would feel drugged, almost woozy in the morning. So I split the pills and used half of one for several nights. I was sleeping well again. Then I started having the same problem in the morning. I was foggy in the morning and had a hard time getting my mind cleared. So I stopped taking the Tylenol PM. The first night I was panicked about going to bed without assistance. But I did go to sleep. Eventually.
And thus began life with no help getting to sleep and staying asleep. Consequently, sleep became elusive again. I would lay awake for anywhere from one to more than two hours before I fell asleep. I began having nightmares again. They would be so frightening, it would wake me up and then I couldn't get back to sleep. This was so frustrating. I basically could plan nothing in the morning. I never knew when I would wake up and how long it would take me to be able to function somewhat intelligently. Thank goodness I have a job that doesn't require me to be up, dressed and alert at 7 am!
I tried taking melatonin. I took a couple to start with and had no relief. I took more, after checking to make sure it was safe. Still nothing. So I decided I was just going to have to live with this. My lot in life. What fun - not!
Then Rachael shared with me what they use. It's a free app for my phone called brainwave tuner. There are two parts to the app. One is wave strength which is basically a rhythm and you chose how loud it is. Sounds like having a fan on. This made sense to me. When we used to run a large window fan in the summer, it would help me get to sleep. And when we put it away, I had trouble getting to sleep.
The second part is called ambience with three choices. One is a flowing brook. Okay, I'm old enough I don't need to listen to constantly running water. That's a whole different problem! One is a music box. Those of you that know me well know that music is an extremely important part of who I am. But I've never been able to go to bed with music on. I get so into it I can't relax and go to sleep. So music wasn't an option for me. The third choice is night and sounds like crickets. Rachael said when she listens to this with the wave she feels like she's back home in Illinois. Interesting. And I was certainly willing to try. Apparently there is a lot of research behind this, but I really don't need to understand all that. All I needed was sleep.
The first night I turned the timer on. Rachael said she sets the timer for 30 minutes, it doesn't stop abruptly, it fades out and that she has never heard it stop. Since I have such a major problem, I set the timer for one hour. I didn't hear it stop, but I was still up two or three times in the night. The second night I turned it on with the phone plugged in and left it on all night. I was up only once that night and felt like I'd slept better which certainly was an improvement. I have adjusted the volume of the wave strength and ambience and reached what works for me! Last night I went to sleep so quickly I don't remember just laying there and waiting for sleep to arrive. I wasn't up at all during the night. I woke up after eight hours of restful sleep and was ready for the day! Can you say amazing! I feel like a real person again, not some groggy version of myself.
I feel like I've gotten my life back. I can now not only plan what I'm going to do during the morning, but I'll be energized and ready to do it! I'll going to be able to get done all those things that have been waiting in the wings. The real Cindy Baines is about to emerge again! Thanks to the brilliant doctor who shared this with Rachael and to Rach for sharing it with me!
Sleep - an amazing gift! I'm so thrilled it was given to me.
