Dancing on My Ashes

I know that is a probably a strange title for a blog post.  But it is the name of a book I read yesterday. Yes, I read a book in basically one setting.  Is there any other way to read a book!

This is a must read.  It is the story of two sisters and a major struggle they had in life.  They share honestly about the pain and heart ache.  But that is not the main point of the book.

Their reason for writing was to share their faith journey.  Yes, they questioned God in the process.  Man has been doing that for centuries.  There are many stories in the Bible where people questioned what God was doing and why.  To find the answer sometimes you have to just be still and listen.  And wait.

I don't want to spoil the book for you, so I won't share any details.  But God does stay close to them in their struggles.  That's what He does, ya know!  He offers comfort and healing for their wounds and then blesses them beyond their dreams.

I don't know these ladies, but I feel so connected to them.  One of them went to school at Southwest Baptist University in Bolivar, Missouri where my siblings, their spouses and our daughters went.  One of them lives in Ozark, Missouri and I have friends that live there.  They quote Beth Moore and Rick Warren, two of my favorite authors!  And God gave Heather a dream of writing a book to tell their story.

The book is available at Amazon for $11.50, $8.50 for Kindle edition, at Barnes and Noble, and Nook edition and probably your local Christian bookstore.  They have a Facebook page - Dancing on My Ashes.  They do a lot of speaking engagements which you can find that on their page.  I would highly recommend going to see them if they are in your area.

Get the book. Read the book.  Be blessed by the book.  Share the book with someone else.
That's what we do with the gifts that God gives us.

Blessings.

Move 1 Space, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

We've gone and done it.  Passed the next big mark in life.  Moved into the next decade.  Mark's 60th birthday was yesterday.  Not sure how that happened so quickly.  Many parts of life feel like a Monopoly game.  Buying houses, paying taxes, getting a fresh start on New Years Day, tho no one passes out $200 on January 1!   But sometimes it feels like my piece is moving too quickly around the board!

When I started this blog, I was going to call it Life in the 50's.  Thankfully, I asked for opinions on the title and a friend suggested I wouldn't always be in my 50's!    But I still feel like I'm in my 50's, doesn't that count for something?  Rachael's girls were talking yesterday morning about PaPa's birthday and one of them said he didn't look like he was 60, he looked like he was 40.  They had a puzzled look and no response when mom told them she was almost 40!  And how did that happen?

Tara sent out a few messages and asked people to tell what Mark had meant to them and she put all their responses in a nice book.  Friday we had a private family party and Mark read aloud the book.  It was so touching.  So many people had such kind and appreciative words to say about what Mark had done for them, how he had encouraged them, been a mentor to them and what a great example he is of what a godly man, husband and father looked like. What a priceless gift.

And Mark has been all that and more.  He is a compassionate man, cares deeply for others and is always quick to offer to help people.  I am blessed beyond words to do life with this man.

We had a few friends over on Saturday and enjoyed their visit.  For 'decorations' I set out pictures of Mark from years past.  They got a kick out of the many faces of Mark Baines - dark hair, grey hair, beard, no beard. 

Okay, neither of us look like we did years ago.  But we are still committed to each other and to loving the Lord the rest of our days.  

One of the cards Mark got said 'here's to another 60 years'!  I don't think we want to live to be 120, but we sure are enjoying this season.

We're a lot less stressed and not overloaded with busy activities.  It's just the two of us and we have more say in choosing what to do.  We did go to Scarlet's soccer game Saturday morning - my first soccer game ever.  It was so cute!  
And we've been to adorable dance recitals, Kindergarten graduations, princess birthday parties and such.

These days we're looking to future events.  I've sent my book to the publisher and it's supposed to be ready by Christmas.  Some days I think Mark is more excited about it than I am!   Retirement.  It's not going to happen soon, but we're talking about it.  Trying to be well prepared.  One advantage of not being the oldest is that Mark has an older brother who has figured out all the details so we can learn from Tony what all we need to do.  I remember thinking when we were in our 20's that we'd have plenty of time to get ready for retirement.  Who knew it would come so quickly?

I've been in this decade for 14 months now.  I've decided it's an okay place to be.  Truthfully, I'm grateful to be.  Be here to do things with Mark.  Be here to see what fabulous adults are children have become.  Be here to watch our little girls grow up.  Be here to be a part of what God is doing in Reno, Nevada.

We are working on being.  Being in the moment.  Being a part of something bigger than ourselves.  Taking good care of our souls.  Helping others learn to do the same.  

I wished we'd learned the importance of being at a younger age.  But grateful for the vision of it now.

Are you being in the moment or is life passing you by?
Are you being an involved part of your life, or are you an observer?
Are you helping others along the way?
Are you taking good care of your soul?

These are the things that will matter at the end.

Living life. 
Being a part of life.
Helping others in your life path. 
Taking care of your soul.

If you'd like some resources that would help with that, I can be reached at 
cindybainesauthor@gmail.com

(if you'd like to follow the progress of my book, I've created a Facebook page or it.  Comment here and I'll add you to the page.)

A Book is About to Be Born

I have always loved stories.  A favorite past time of my childhood was reading.  All of the Nancy Drew books in the library had my name on the card, multiple times!  I read them over and over.  By the time I was out of 8th grade, I'd seen "Gone With The Wind once and read the book three times.  And had decided I would have a Tara some day!

When I was in the throws of breast cancer and not feeling very good, I told Mark I was going to write about it.  His response, "Sure, honey, you can do anything you want."  He was just humoring me.

After we got to Reno, I started my chemotherapy.  When I was almost done, I started writing.  I finished it in about a week.  I was home alone and bored, what else was I going to do.    Some of it I wrote while I was still under the influence of the nasty meds and it was mindless rambling.  Once my head cleared more, I had to delete a lot.

Once I'd edited it as much as I could, I wasn't sure what to do.  I talked about it with lots of people.  I ordered a couple of Publisher's Guides and they were massive.  The guides are a listing of all the publishers in the country and the types of books they take, their requirements, what they offer and boat loads of more info.  And it is all cross references two or three times.  Way too confusing.  

So I left the book alone and just waited.  

Two years ago, Mark's dad died.  Mark told me he wanted to use some of the money we got from Dad's estate to start the process of getting my book published.  I was blown away that he offered to do that.  It really meant so much.  

At the time we had a young woman in our Bible study group who was a professional editor, so I paid her to edit my book.  I was a bit hesitant to let someone 'change' my book.  I have my own style and I didn't want it 'fixed'.  Megan assured me that she wouldn't mess with my style.    I also got online and figured out how to purchase an ISBN for my book.

Then I hit another wall.  I looked into self publishing which meant you had to download an app to put a book into a specific format.  It was all over my head, more than I could make sense of.  So the book was put on hold again.

Somehow, I really don't know from where, I was put in contact with a Christian publishing company in Florida.  I responded to an email and someone called me on my birthday.  Mark and I were getting ready to go to the lake for the day and I didn't have time to talk much.  He sent me some info, I looked it over and replied to his email.  He called back the day before we were leaving for an 11 day vacation and I really didn't have time to think about what he was saying.

There has been a flurry of emails and phone calls in the past week or so and we have a contract with a publisher.  I'm pretty stoked, for sure!

I don't have the finances to pay the fee, so I'm looking for someone or an organization that would like to fund a project.  This is not going to be a large, expensive book, so clearly I'm not going to be making a lot of money on it.  And that was never the purpose.

The purpose of my book is to tell how difficult the cancer journey was and how the prayers of friends and family, my faith and encouragement from music got me through it.  It's God's story of healing through medicine and prayers.  The book is meant to give God the glory for his provisions, not to make us rich.

So I'm looking for an investor and the process is moving along.  They've told me it should be ready for holiday shopping!  Crazy!

So, if you're reading this, I'm hoping it means you'll want to read my book too!  And tell your friends about it.  

Stay tuned and I'll post progress here!

Graduation - Kindergarten, that is

Kindergarten

Interesting topic.  Personally, I did not go to Kindergarten.  The small town we in central Illinois where we lived didn't have Kindergarten.  It wasn't required by the state yet. Yes, I'm that old!

I clearly remember when our oldest daughter went to Kindergarten.  Her Sunday School teachers and Pre-school teachers were ladies that loved on her and made her feel special.  The Kindergarten teacher didn't have those skills and and we had many stressful mornings with a little girl crying that she didn't want to go to school.  I was dreading the next 12 years of school!  We managed to survive that year, she loved learning and now does substitute teaching at the school were her daughters attend.

Last week, our youngest granddaughter 'graduated' from Kindergarten.  There wasn't such a celebration when our girls finished Kindergarten.  We had some sort of last day festivities and then waited for 1st grade in the fall.  Things are done quite differently now, but frankly I love it.  I'm all about celebrating!

At my age, it common to ponder events in life in comparison to similar events in my own life.  School, for instance.

Our oldest granddaughter finished 3rd grade this year.  I remember only a couple things about 1st and 2nd grade. But I clearly remember 3rd grade.

We moved in January of 3rd grade to Sullivan, Illinois.  The only other thing I remember about 3rd grade was never feeling like I belonged.  I was the 'new girl' for 3 years.  When you move into a new town of about 3,000 people, and for the most part everyone had always lived there, you're still the new girl at school even after 3 years.   Funny, many years later I made friends with people in Auburn who were from Sullivan and we realized we had some connections from years past.

We moved in December of 6th grade.  This time to Nashville, Illinois.    Again, I felt like the new girl for another 4 1/2 years.  Except at church.  I fit in there and made life long friends.  And thanks to Facebook, it's easier to stay in touch now.

Moved again at the end my Sophomore year, 2 weeks before my 16th birthday.   My time in Robinson, was short - a year and a half.  There was a group at our church that made me feel welcomed and right at home as soon as I arrive. And God put people in my path at school that became great friends.  Through them and some circumstances, I really began to grow in my spiritual walk.

Last school move was 2 weeks before first semester exams my Senior year.  My parents moved again 3 years later and I eventually moved there also.

And God saved the last best for last!  The final move was to Virden, Illinois, which is where I met my precious Marky!    I've been asked many times if I regretted all the moves.  Because of all those moves, I have friends all over Illinois.  It was difficult to say the least, but I learned a lot through those moves.  Tho most of what I learned I didn't realize at the time, aging puts childhood things into a more clear perspective.

Mark and I made one more move to the west coast.  We had both lived in Illinois our entire lives, and Mark has lived in two towns just seven miles apart.  God gave us our dream and brought us to Reno so we could be a part of the lives of our granddaughters.  Attending dance recitals, Christmas programs, graduations and birthday parties, those are things that bring us great joy these days.

Memorial Day 2015

So grateful for all those that have served our country and deeply grieved for those that gave that gave their life in that service. 

Do not take your freedom lightly!

Thousands have paid highly for it!

Many served in times of danger, others during times of peace.

Many served in other countries, others were always state side.

ALL gave years of their life to be of service to thousands.

My héros - Lee Baines, Charlie Price, Larry Moore, Randy Tiner, Butch Humphrey, Sean Robinson, Kyle Robinson, Michael Woodruff, Donna Kunde, Gary Kunde, Lindsay Spencer and many more.  

I remember being a Senior in High School and being terrified that my classmates would have to go to Nam.  They started pulling the troops out that year. 

Lately, Mark has been watching lots of series on WW II.  It was horrible also.  So many men killed. And they didn't have R & R every 6 months.  When our oldest daughter was bemoaning the fact that once school was out in May, she wouldn't see her fiancé til August, at their wedding.  Mark's mom proceeded to tell her that her grandpa went off to war and she waited 3 whole years for him, she would survive the summer!

I can't think about 9/11 without becoming extremely emotional. Those horrific images are burned into my memory.  And then eventually, our troops began going to the Middle East.  And there were so many brave people that joined the service.  Their choice- there was no draft.  And as much as we watched the Nam war on TV, we saw way more of this war.  With the Internet and all the tv news stations, we were instantly aware of the tragedies as they happened.

I know the Bible tells us there will be wars and rumors of war.  Since the Fall, people have argued and fought.  Sometimes for a worthy cause, tho not always.  Just because it is a fact of life, doesn't mean it is pleasant.  

So, spend time thinking about those that you know that have served our country.  Pray for them.  Many of them still have struggles because of what they have seen. After Nam, we didn't know to call it PTSD, but there are many that are still suffering from it.  And Agent Orange - don't even get me started! If you are young enough you don't know what that is, goggle it.

I am blessed and grateful to live in a country where I am free.  And sincerely grateful to all who have made that possible.

First picture - Mark's Dad, Lee Baines, he served 3 years in WW II.  

A few years ago, he went on the Honor Flight to Washington, D.C. and really enjoyed it.

Second picture, my mom's brother, Bud Waite.  He served during the Korean Conflict.  Funny, they didn't call it war.  I'm certain that those that served and those that lived in that area felt like it was war!

Third picture, Larry Moore, my cousin, served in Viet Nam.  Just a few years older than me and I don't think he ever knew how much I looked up to him.  He survived the war, but it destroyed his faith in so much, he left the 'family' area when he returned from Nam and died some years later.  I miss him terribly.

Fourth picture, Charlie Price, my uncle.  His best friend died in Viet Nam and as soon as Charlie got the news, he immediately joined the Marines.    He was so tall, the younger ones in the family were somewhat afraid of him.  But he's always been a gentle giant.  I remind him that I'm his favorite niece!

Public Speaking

Well, after being encouraged multiple times from different people, I've taken on an additional vocation.  Public Speaking.

When I was working on editing my book, it was suggested to blog about it and the blogging information suggested speaking engagements about it.  I didn't feel I was ready to do that, irregardless of the fact that that's what I do for a living - public speaking.  I go into a room of people, frequently not knowing more than one or maybe two, and I give 'a 30 minute speech'.

In a training with my company, we had a conference call with someone who was extremely successful in the direct sales business and has become a motivational speaker/trainer for companies.  She suggested a way to promote our business is to offer to be a free speaker for groups that are looking for speakers, such as Lions Club, MOPS, Kiwanis, etc.  I had to ponder this one for a while to make sure I could come up with a 30 minute talk that wasn't a sales talk.

I took the plunge at my BNI meeting this week.  This is a networking group that focuses on helping each other promote their business.  With 30 second weekly introductions and twice or three times a year being the focused speaker at the group, we teach them what we do and how they can help us grow our business. For my 30 seconds, I said "I'm looking for groups and clubs that are in need of a speaker.  I will talk about being healthy, taking charge of that in your life and will not be just giving a sales talk.  And I'm free!"

One gentleman is in a Lion's Club and I'm going to be speaking at his club and he's going to get me into the other clubs in the community.  Who knew it would be so easy?  I'm pretty stoked about it.  It will help me get further into the community with my business with people I would never have had the chance to meet.

And I've been asked to be a speaker at my company's annual convention in July.  Crazy!  People must think I have something worthwhile to say.  Mind you, I've been trying to tell Mark and my kids that for years!

So, do you have a burning passion about something that matters in changing the world, even in a small way?  Do you want to get the word out?  Give it a try!   Make sure you can organize and articulate clearly what you want to say and contact clubs and groups in your area.  You may surprise yourself as well.

Life in the New Decade

I've been thinking for some weeks now that I need to talk about the journey in this next decade.  The 60's.  Not 1960. Me being 60.  Funny, I've heard several times on tv the past couple of weeks that 'they' (whoever they are) are saying that 60 is the new 40.  Well that's a relief!  I loved my 40's!

I did struggle with being 60 at first.  After discussing it with friends that are near my age, we decided it's a mental issue.  The generation before us acted older at 60 than we do.  I could probably muse for many pages about what all the contributing factors are, but clearly we live a different life style than our parents did.   And when I was whining about being old, I was reminded I get to have a birthday.  Oh yeah, there's that.  I survived cancer, I get to live.

It's the first of May and as my first year in this journey comes to a close, I am reflecting  on what I accomplished so far and what are my future plans.

I alluded to a couple items on my bucket list in my last post.  One is swimming. The first opportunity I had to take swimming lessons was the summer after my 6th grade when we lived in Nashville, Illinois.  It didn't go so well.  My mother signed me up for beginner lessons and when I arrived at the community pool, all of the other students were 1st graders.  I stood 2 heads above everyone. I was so embarrassed and refused to go back the second day.  

So that summer and following summers spent in Nashville, my friends and I would go to the pool frequently.  But they were such true friends!  They could all swim, but they would stay in the shallow end with me the whole time we were in the pool.  

I watch the Groupon posts and could not believe it when I saw one for private swimming lessons.  I took 2 lessons a week for a month in an indoor pool at an apartment complex.  The teacher was a college student who assured me that she could teach me to float.  I wasn't convinced but I did learn that and more.  It was very exhilarating!  Now mind you, I'm not ready to be on a swim team, but I not afraid of the water.  That's a major accomplishment.

Again, unpleasant and unnecessary facts would explain why I'm intimidated by the dance floor and dance lessons have been on my list for some time.  When we were driving around Reno looking for something soon after we arrived, I saw a building with a large sign in the window that advertised dance lessons.  But at that time Mark traveled all the time for his job and never knew in advance when he'd be home, so taking dance lessons together was not really an option.  Mind you, Mark did need lessons.  It came to him naturally and he'd been dancing for years.  But I wasn't interested in learning with someone else.

Just a few days after I saw the Groupon for the swimming lessons, there was one for dance lessons!  I couldn't believe it and of course, I bought it.  It was for 2 private lessons and then you can attend as many classes as you'd like in a month.  And I didn't have to pay for Mark to come, which was a relief.  

I was pretty nervous on the way to the first lesson.  It wasn't a huge room and there were a few other couples with a teacher on the floor at the same time.  He taught us some basic steps, nothing complicated.  I was relaxed by the time we finished.  We scheduled the second lesson on a night when there was a class immediately afterwards and we could stay for it.  

The second lesson was on a few more types of steps and we stayed for the group lesson, but it  was not helpful.  They tried to teach us steps that were quite involved, tried to learn them in 3 or 4 sets and then put them all together.  Next we would do it with our partner, then the next person, the next and so on.  I wasn't really comfortable with that, even though none of them were experts at it.   We agreed we weren't interested in doing any more group lessons, but I was grateful for the experience.  

A couple weeks after the last dance lesson, we went on our second Jordan Essentials cruise.  We flew into LA and neither of us had ever been there before, but there was no time for any sight seeing.  Ports of call were  Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo San Lucas.  We'd never been to Mexico, wouldn't really say it was on my list of places to go, but we had a blast.  And I was on the dance floor with Mark on the cruise.  It was pretty exciting!

My 60th year celebration started with a birthday party in Reno with all our children and grandchildren and some of our friends. When I went to Springfield, Missouri for Jordanvention in July, my sister threw a birthday party with my family that lives there and a few of my Jordan friends.  Add to that swimming lessons, dancing lessons and a cruise to Mexico, it's been a year of celebrations.  

The past Saturday we hosted our annual Derby Party (Kentucky Derby), our annual Hawaiian party with be in late July and in August we'll have Mark's 60th birthday party.  So the celebrations will continue. 

As far as bucket list items, I have a few that are extravagant - month long trip in Europe, take Mark to Australia.  

When I was in study before we left Illinois, we were to write down a wish list.  That was 11 years ago, I wasn't 50 yet, so I really didn't consider it a bucket list.  Several of those have already been reached.  

We've moved to Reno.  I have a baby grand piano.  We've been on a cruise.  Now most of the items on my list are more about my business.  And I've reached some of those goals.  Some time ago, based on personal sales, recruiting and sales of my downline, I reached the title of Director.  A little more than year ago, thanks to Jessica Maxwell making it to Director, I'm now a Diamond Director.  My goals now are to help my team grow their teams which will increase their paychecks.  Helping others reach their dreams really melts my butter.  

I truly believe you need to have goals and dreams.  If you don't, you'll not be challenged to step outside of your box and experience new and fascinating things.  Shoot for the moon and if you miss and you will land on the stars!  

Life Coach

So I've gone and done it - I hired a Life Coach!  I have a couple of dear friends that are or have been coaches in specific areas and I'm sure they'd be surprised that I have a coach.

Life coach means we've talked about topics in 'the circle of life' - spirituality, creativity, finances, career, education, health, physical activity, home cooking, home environment, relationships, social life and joy.   So I've told her all sorts of stories of my life.  Such as the childhood traumatic explanation of why I don't know how to swim.  And why I say my rhythm stops at my fingers and I'm paralyzed at the thought of getting on the dance floor.

I have pleasant stories about my family.  I'm extremely satisfied with my home environment.  I scored myself highest on joy.  I mean really.  I'm with my Marky, he's not on the road all the time like he was for over 30 years.  We have 5 fabulous grandchildren that we love spending time with.  I love living in a city!  I enjoy my baby grand piano - who would have ever thought I'd have one!  And I'm here, breathing.  Yes, there are difficulties in life.  But true joy is my deepest emotion.

Mostly, I hired her to help me rework how I eat.  I was trying on my own to figure out what is the best way to eat healthy.  There are so many options and opinions, it is nigh on to impossible to figure it out!

I had tried the all raw path.  I bought the spiralizer, but raw strings of veggies are not the same as spaghetti!  Just saying.  On my own, I was able to pretty much eliminate most sugar.  Cutting out wheat was another story!  I was trying to figure out Paleo, but there were so many variations, I felt like I was walking a maze blind folded.

I'm finally getting the hang of it.  I'm learning how to sweeten food without sugar.  Who knew there was coconut sugar and it was just as tasty as brown sugar, yet better for you.  Giving up all wheat was a bit harder.  I sent her a text as I was walking past the bakery at Costco, "The aroma of fresh bread is seductive!"  But I managed to keep walking and not put any bread, cookies, cakes or such in my basket.

Yesterday I made a 'BBQ' pork tenderloin without brown sugar, but it was SO tasty!  I exchanged  unhealthy ingredients for better choices in my stir fry and Mark liked it better the new way.  As we were enjoying the reworked beef stroganoff, I commented that it would be good as a company meal.  Mark thought it qualified as a restaurant meal!  Score!

But I do have my limits and my coach finds them entertaining!  She kept telling me yesterday I need to write about them in my blog.

Peas.  They are a no no.  One of the first things that Mark and I agreed on - no peas.  I don't like the taste or texture and I literally gag on them.

Cooked cabbage.  Who decided that was tasty food?  How could that be because it smells horrible when it's cooking!

She did agree with me on liver.  Why would you eat that?  There is no way to make it tasty.  None!

And then there is wings.  I'm like, really? If given the choose of any piece of fried chicken (I know, fried chicken is a no no), who would choose the wing? Not any man I know!  But offer them BBQ wings and they'll fight you for the last one.  All they really want is the sauce and mess.  There's not that much meat on a chicken wing.

So I was telling her about a fabulous recipe for 'Better than Fried Chicken" that was saucy wings.  Instructions were to take them out of the crock pot, put on the sauce and bake it to make the skin crispy.  Her response was that the skin was really good for you.  I'm like, really?  Think about it - how disgusting is that, eating skin.  Or the giblets.  I throw those out.  Makes my mother cringe to think I've wasted them.

I've added a lot more green to my diet.  I buy baby spinach and kale in large containers now.  And I eat it all.  I will say the strings on the spinach gags me, so I cut it before I put it in the salad.  I'm eating salad almost always for lunch and again at dinner.  So I'm not doing it at breakfast.  I've tried the smoothies at breakfast with loads of greens, berries for sweetness and other stuff.  I don't find it satisfying.  I want real food.  Not drinking my breakfast!  Drinking dessert?  Now that's another topic!

Yesterday she started telling me all the horrible, unhealthy ingredients that are in candy.  Okay, not tempted to consume massive amounts of Halloween candy now.  Truth be told, I really do feel so much better.  Hard to explain the difference, but clearly I feel good.

Now we're focusing on movement - specifically walking.  I'm committed to walking.  Every day.  Yesterday I put on a pedometer, but I'm not sharing what my total steps were yesterday.  It was a shamefully small number.   The focus is on gradually increasing that number.  Eventually, maybe, I'll share my daily steps.  Don't hold your breath waiting, though!

But I'm finally not just talking the talk, but also walking the walk.  Pun intended.  For years, when explaining the benefits of my Jordan products, I've been telling people that what you put on your skin is just as important as what you eat and drink. Which is very true.  Now I'm much more careful about knowing what I eat and focusing on making better choices.

Concentrating on being healthy takes a lot of work.   But as my mother used to tell me, if something is important, the effort is worth it.  And to quote myself from my parties, "It's your future.  Are you going to get there and will you be healthy when you do?"  I intend to get there.  I have 5 weddings to go to - eventually.  And I'm going to be healthy and feel good when I do!

October - Breast Cancer

Okay, so it’s October.  I guess I should write about breast cancer.  Must say though, it’s really not my favorite subject.  Clearly, I know more about it than I’d like to. 

Actually, I don’t feel as though I suffered that much with it, I really don’t have a lot to complain or whine about.  I had a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy, so no need for reconstructive surgery and recovery.  I did a month of daily radiation.  I only did 4 chemo treatments.

The initial shock, scare and fear were very real, that’s for sure.  We did all the above, except for the chemo, in the process of moving.  So there wasn’t much time to think about it.   I had too much packing to do!

During the chemo treatments, several people suggested I go to a support group.  I looked into it and actually called and chatted with a lady that led a Christian group.  I never went.  I was trying, tho not always successfully, to be upbeat and have a positive attitude. As I thought about attending a group, I decided I didn’t want to sit around and talk about the cancer.   Besides, I’ve been married to my therapist for years!  He’d gotten me through dealing with childhood baggage, finding my self esteem, my parent’s divorce and other issues in life.  We got this.

It just wasn’t a topic I wanted to talk about it.  I wanted to get on with my life and focus on other things.  I have a wedding to go to!  That’s the title of my book I’ve written, and actually, now I have 5 weddings to go to – eventually.

We bought everything there was that was pink the first couple of years.  Especially in October.  Every store had items with pink handles and such.  I did do the Relay for Life one year. 

I’ve tried to offer comfort and encouragement to others dealing with breast cancer.  I’ve been known to speak to strangers and reassure them that the hair does grow back.

This year I went to an luncheon put on by a breast cancer survivor to remember those that lost their battle, encourage those in the middle of the battle and celebrate those done with the process.  I could have participated in the ‘walk’ they did, but I don’t like doing something when I don’t know what is going to happen.  So I sat at the table with a few friends from my networking group and the walk starts.  Those that have had breast cancer are introduced, they tell how many years since their diagnosis and then they walked out to music and through a line of cheerleaders waving their pom poms. 

I was pretty calm with the first few.  Then I started getting really emotional.  Some were new to the journey, wearing scarfs or hats or were comfortable with their bald heads.  Some were over 20 years out.  Those made me cry.  What scared me the most when talking with the doctor was they would only talk about the next 5 years.  I needed to hear that there were women who had survived many years after the breast cancer.

Some were very young.  Those made me cry too.  One of our daughter’s very young friends had recently passed after 2 bouts of breast cancer in about 2 years. 

Some had 2 dates – they had been diagnosed twice!  Gotta tell ya, that is one thing all cancer patients are afraid of.  You do the surgery, radiation, chemo, prevention meds with horrible side effects and then . . . it comes back!

I went to this event to show support for this dealing with breast cancer.  Though I didn’t expect to be so deeply moved.

February 2006 was when I got the news I had breast cancer.  By the second week in November 2006 I had finished my last chemo treatment.  So I’ve been cancer free for 8 years.  So grateful to be past the 5 year mark.

Sometimes I need to be reminded of what I’ve been through to help me remember how well my family and friends took care of me.   I need to be reminded how much my God has blessed me through this and how my faith helped me through the difficult days.  I need to be reminded I GET to be 60 and to live my life aware and grateful for my blessings. 

I'm a big girl, I can travel by myself.

As a child, I never rode a plane.  When we were raising our girls we lived on one income, so purchasing 4 plane tickets to go someone was not an option. When my brother was still working for American Airlines and he found out I'd never been on a plane, he took me on a road trip to Dallas and we flew back.  I was scared to death.  When the girls were in high school, I earned a trip to Disneyland and we took a plane.  All the details were taken care of by someone else, I had Marky with me and we traveled with a group.  I wasn't too nervous.

Once Tara and Rachael moved to the west coast (otherwise labeled as another universe in my broken heart!), we started spending lots of money with the airlines.   In the past 14 years, I've been on lots of planes.  And even when I'm with Mark, I'm always nervous.

Where are my boarding passes?
Did I put my Driver's License back in my billfold where it goes or did I just drop it in my purse?
What Gate are we going to?
What time is our flight?
Do I have time to hit the restroom or will I risk missing my flight?

I've always felt like I was stressed to the max.  Going to forget something, loss something, miss something.

But somewhere, somehow, there's been a paradigm shift in my head.

In May I went alone to St Louis for a meeting.  Once we landed, it dawned on me I'd been calm the entire trip - no panic attacks!  It was really quite a revelation to me.  I realized that I had enjoyed each part of the trip and was relaxed the whole time.  Just kind of blew my mind, as I was accustomed to massive mental havoc on the day I flew.

And then, I was calm again on the trip home!  That day, I spent the morning with family that lived in St Louis and I was never anxious about getting back to the airport in time and thoroughly enjoyed the trip home.

Amazingly, this new found calm has stuck around!  Yesterday I got back from a trip to Springfield, Missouri for Jordan Essentials annual convention.  I traveled alone and had a fabulous time.  No tension, no panic attacks, no tightness in my chest.  I just had a great time.  Since I was relaxed, I enjoyed chatting with the people around me.  The clerk in the shop, others waiting for their plane, the people sitting next to me.  It was like a compressing, restricting fog had been lifted and I could just be myself.

I have no idea where this came from.  I hate to think that it's an age issue.  My children travel calmly, so I'm not convinced it's age.  Somehow, I've relaxed about life and God has blessed me with a new sense of calmness.  Not going to question it or try to define it.  Just going to enjoy it!    It was such a fun trip - lets do another one!  Not for a few weeks, at least.  It might take me that long to unpack!  Oh yeah  - I did some serious shopping!

Part II of My Testimony

See previous post for Part 1.

Raymond resigned the church before school started my senior year.  So I begin my Senior year with a bad case of ‘I don’t care’.  And it got worse.  I moved again 2 weeks before 1^st semester exams. 

In this new town, 3 hours away, I had one Christian friend at school.  It was a bigger town and a much bigger school.  I still have nightmares about being lost in the building, can’t remember my class schedule, can’t find my locker, can’t remember the lock number. The church met in a tiny very old building.  I looked in the basement.  Once.  I was not going down there!  I really can’t recall anyone that was pouring into me at this point.  However, my attitude was not welcoming to such.  I was angry at God and felt I had good reason to be.  

As a senior in High School, I became the church pianist.  God’s music was really the only biblical thing that was going into my head.

But it wasn’t enough.  When I graduated, I began hanging around a different crowd, and not a better one.  I was leading a double life – partying like crazy, and then at my piano bench at 10:30 Sunday mornings.  No one called me on it.  Churches didn’t usually teach or practice that kind of loving church discipline.  And there was literally no one else in the church that could do my job. 

My parents moved again, I stayed in an apartment.  Which was not a good choice, as the choices I was making in my life were becoming more destructive.  I eventually moved back in with my parents.  And immediately there was a need for a church pianist!  Guess who got that job?

I was still living a double life, sometimes it was a close call to get to my bench on time on Sunday morning because I’d been out all night.

But this is where I met the love of my life, my Marky.  We started dating and one night we almost got killed at a railroad crossing.  Okay, God had my attention now!  I asked him if he knew where he was going if he died.  He thought so.  He started going to church with me on Sunday morning.  After some time, he asked Jesus to be a personal part of his life.  We were married 5 months later.

We were still not living like we should, but we were making progress.  And we had people pouring into our lives, living out an example of a Christian life as they knew best.

Mark and I moved to the next little town up the road and started going to church there.  That’s where things began to really change.  Mark was so hungry for truth in the Scriptures that he started meeting weekly with the pastor for discipleship.  We attended a couple marriage seminars, which were fabulous.  We participated in a 12 week discipleship training.  We had lots of people in the church and surrounding churches that were loving on us, teaching us, caring about us. 

After over 25 years at this church, we changed churches.  Hope.  That was the name of the church and it gave us hope.  We’d had too many responsibilities at the previous church.  We hadn’t learned how to rest in the comfort of the presence of our Savior.  We did at Hope and God placed some amazing people in our lives that became dear friends.  They loved on us and encouraged us in so many ways. 

I began doing Beth Moore Bible studies.  And her studies will change you!  I begin to see a different view of how God wanted me to live.  It wasn’t about performance, it was an attitude of gratitude. 

Then God added 2 new preachers in our life – our son in laws.  And listening to them, we began to see a clearer view of what living a Christian life looked like.   

In 2006 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was a difficult time in my life, I won’t lie about that.  But God sent special people to love in my during that time.

One lady, Barb Humphrey, was the most important one.  She’d been our neighbor over 20 years.  She’d had a liver transplant 15 years earlier, but it was failing.  I got pneumonia and was so sick, I literally couldn’t talk.  Barb called me to encourage me!  She knew she was dying but she was compelled to call me.  To tell me I’d been a great mother, that God was going to take care of me, that we were going to go to Reno and that I would be a fabulous grandmother.  There are no words to describe what that call meant to me.

God did take care of me through the cancer journey, we did move to Reno and I’m working on being that fabulous grandmother!

We’ve been in Reno 8 years and God has sent so many people that have loved on us, taught us so much, blessed us in so many ways. And we are eternally grateful to each and every one of them.

So, there are 2 ways of looking back at your life.  You can look for only the negative, unhappy things.  And everyone will have those.  No one is perfect, so you’ll never be surrounded by perfection.  And you won’t be an example of perfection either.  So there will be consequences in life. 

Or, you can look at things with an eye for searching for God.  It’s like the game of ‘Where’s Waldo’, only much better.  When you make God your focus, you can see who he has sent to love you, protect you, to teach you.  And those are the things that make the important difference in your life.  More importantly, make sure you are being that person for those in your life.  You can make a difference!